Child Loss

What Happens When You Kill Yourself


Before I get started I just want to apologize for the constant emotional roller coaster this blog is. One minute I’m happy and excited to talk about home décor, and the next I’m getting down deep about child loss. That’s just life when you have lost a child… emotional roller coaster.


Have I ever killed myself? No I haven’t, but that doesn’t make me any less educated on the subject. When you kill yourself you also kill your family.

Your mom who you thought wouldn’t miss you shatters into a million pieces. She quits her job and lays in bed day in and day out. She cries the minute she wakes up until the minute she goes to sleep. She turns into an empty shell of the person she once was. She stops taking care of herself, and shuts out everyone around her. She becomes afraid to leave the house because she doesn’t want to bump into anyone that might ask her how she’s doing.

Your mom second guesses everything she has ever done that lead up to your death. She blames herself, and fantasizes about the things she could have done differently until its the only thing she can think about. She convinces herself that everyone else is better off without this person she has become and she too tries to kill herself.

When you kill yourself your little brother slowly falls apart. He has to sleep in bed with your parents now because he’s afraid to be alone. He wont let your parents out of his sight, and if they are 5 minutes late getting home he has an anxiety attack because he thinks they are dead just like you. He starts getting into trouble at school so your mom takes him to get help from the doctor. He’s too young for the medication they put him on so he starts self harming and attempts suicide. He ends up in an institution for 2 months and your parents have to drive an hour every night to go visit him because before this he’s never been away from home. He’s diagnosed with PTSD and an attachment disorder. Apparently he’s no longer able to form relationships because he thinks everyone is going to die. He gets out and gets sent to an IU13 school because his school can no longer handle him.

When you kill yourself your dad tries to be the strong one. Secretly he thinks he is to blame and knows he will never forgive himself. It was his job to protect you and he let everyone down. He cries to himself when no one is watching, but keeps it together in public because someone has to. He is pushed to his breaking point because the woman he once loved is gone- she died with her child, and his son is losing it, and there’s nothing he can do to fix it, and its happening all over again. He throws himself into his work to try to busy his mind. He misses you so much, how is he going to fix this?

When you kill yourself your sister loses her best friend. She becomes bitter and angry, and pushes people away. She doesn’t care anymore, why should she? She sits and thinks of all the things you wont do together. She picks up the phone when her heart gets broken, and then realizes that she cant call you because you’re dead. Life and relationships kind of lose their meaning when your sister who was your best friend kills herself. She wonders why you didn’t call her? It eats her up inside. What could she have done? Are you proud of her? Can you hear her?

Its been two and a half years since my daughter Juliet killed herself. I still cry all the time. I’m crying right now. Please know the signs…..

Not everyone talks about wanting to kill themselves, in fact most people who commit suicide don’t say anything at all. My daughter didn’t. Don’t wait until its too late. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts please talk to someone. Get help. If not for you, do it for your family. To read what happened to my daughter click here.

1 Comment

  1. Adrienne Gillespie

    The ripple effect is wide and seemingly never ending. It breaks my heart to read of the troubles your family has had to endure these past two and a half years. You never know what song or smell or memory will trigger a feeling of sorrow. It is hard to find peace where you feel there is none. I told you my story…it has been 8 years…there are similarities but the biggest difference is..he wasn’t my child and that pain I have not had to deal with…i pray that you are comforted in those low moments but know, too, there are people here for you..with open arms and ears…xoxo

    23 . 01 . 2017

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